


Look me in the eyes and tell me you'll be there

by the_milky_way



Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2021 [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Eddie Diaz Week 2021, First Time, Fluff, Getting Together, Guilt, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29846061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_milky_way/pseuds/the_milky_way
Summary: A glimpse into Eddie Diaz' past, present and maybe future.orFive times Eddie feels guilty in connection with the words "I don't deserve this" and one time he really doesn't.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2021 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189010
Comments: 15
Kudos: 150





	Look me in the eyes and tell me you'll be there

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 of [Eddie Diaz Week 2021](https://eddiediazweek.tumblr.com/)
> 
> “I don’t deserve this.” + guilt

He thinks **“I don’t deserve this”** the second his teacher announces him winning a gold sticker for his homework. He thinks it again when the sticker is handed over and put into his workbook. And again when his dad smiles all proud and happy looking through said workbook.

But at seven Eddie isn’t brave enough yet to voice his thoughts. Not brave enough to admit that he made a mistake. To admit that he cheated. It isn’t his homework that is good, that earned the sticker. It’s his sister’s from a few years ago. He copied it because he had forgotten all about the task until the very last second. 

And knowing that his sister keeps all her old schoolwork in binders under her bed made it all so much easier to give in to the temptation instead of facing the truth. He changed a bit of the wording to make it sound more like him. But had there been a thorough examination it would have been obvious.

Even at seven he knows that. And the guilt lingers for days. He waits to be called out, waits to be reprimanded, to be made the joke of the class. It never happens.

He never says a word. 

Not until a good twenty years later. And only then because he is drunk off his ass and moping. 

+++

“I don’t deserve this. You take it, Diaz,” is what his baseball team captain says to him senior year when they are about to punch their ticket for the regional championship. 

It is tradition to use the bat that had won them their last title. The one from that very last game is kept safe and handed over to the next team. Their best batter would take it out with him and use it if it fit. But mostly they use their own bats and only take it out to the field as a good luck charm.

Just watching the captain, one of his best friends, hand it over, acknowledging for the first time ever that Eddie is the better player makes him feel a little queasy. Guilty even. Because Sean had asked him for help. Had asked to train with Eddie outside of their team practice. 

And Eddie? Eddie had been too busy being enamoured by Shannon. Eddie had been too confident in his play to even consider needing extra training. Only now he realizes it has never been about that. It was just Sean wanting to be the best team captain he could be. And Eddie hadn’t helped. Had been too selfish. Too unfocused.

He is about to decline the bat, feeling like the worst person to be presented with this privilege. He is already shaking his head, eyes wide and probably full of guilt, when Sean steps forward, simply presses the bat into his hand. Sean doesn't leave him another chance but to take it and go out there. There is a look, too. A second too long maybe. Eddie knows he doesn’t deserve this. Sean knows it, too but still makes him take it. 

The guilt that rides with Eddie to the game, that takes residence in his chest, is what keeps his mind focused and his motivation high. He wants to be the one who is worthy of having the bat. He wants to be the best player he can be and maybe help Sean earn everything he deserves as well.

He plays his best game that day. 

Fueled by guilt and determination. 

+++

“I don’t deserve this, Eddie!” 

Shannon isn’t loud, isn’t screaming. This time. But her words echo in the room. Echo so much that Eddie does flinch a little. And he knows she is right. She doesn’t deserve a husband being barely around, leaving her the sole caretaker of an infant with special needs.

He doesn’t count his parents as help. Because as much as they do and take over, they aren’t helping with the situation. A situation that has been escalating lately. Eddie knows he should have at least talked to Shannon about re-enlisting. But the bills, the less than stellar working conditions of each job he got, the fear he is doing everything wrong there is to do wrong - it all feels like too much. 

And having a way out, an opportunity to provide and make things better, it felt like a light at the end of the tunnel. Still feels like it. That he hadn’t even considered making it a choice for Shannon instead of a fixed thing says a lot about where they are at in their relationship. He felt like an asshole when he realized Shannon is right. Guilt surging high especially when Christopher’s cries interrupted their fight in the kitchen.

But he can’t change it anymore. Signed up means signed up. And he feels like an even bigger ass, an even bigger coward when just a tiny part of his mind is glad about that. 

+++

Carla has been with them for a month now and she is godsend. Eddie doesn’t know how he’d deal with all the paperwork, red tape and demands if she weren't been around. But she is. And she is awesome with Christopher as well. He doesn’t even think about letting her take care of his son anymore.

There had been a situation a day or two into their acquaintance when he wasn’t sure about just handing Chris over to a stranger. But he trusted Buck and Buck adored Carla. So Eddie caved, reluctantly at first but willing to see how it went.

The thing that really endeared Carla to him was her telling him: “I don’t deserve this. Being subjected to that pretty face of yours frowning like this. It’s gonna be fine, hun. I promise. And Chris loves hanging out with me.”

Chris grinning face and enthusiastic nod was all Eddie needed to know it was true. He had felt a little guilt about his mistrust but a slap to the back of his head and the amusement sparkling in Carla’s eyes absolved him of the notion pretty quickly. And now, well now he really can’t imagine a life without her or her help anymore.

If Carla is godsend having Buck in his life is a revelation.

+++

The bruise isn’t all that big, just a splatter of color over his right pectoral. It only hurts when he presses too hard. He grimaces a little, when he does press too hard. Frown at his reflection. The mirror is still half fogged up from the shower he took to get rid of the nerves and lingering anger from the 118’s latest adventure.

The call hadn’t been bad in particular, just difficult and maybe a bit chaotic. Trying to rescue a teenager from a stuck maintenance platform hanging just shy of the 14th floor had sounded easy. Was supposed to be easy in theory. Only, said teenager was so caught up in his fear that he kept on flailing while Buck and Eddie tried to secure him in a harness. Wiry muscles and hard bones do leave traces. Eddie is looking at one of them now.

He’s a little distracted by the sight of it that he only hears Buck when he literally runs into the doorframe. Eddie’s eyes switch up still looking at the mirror, though, and catch the tail end of Buck staring. Eyes lingering on Eddies bare skin, the blue of them a little darker now, with something close to want.

“I don’t deserve this,” Buck mumbles barely audible, but Eddie hears it anyway. He wants to smirk so badly. Feels guilty for it instantly, though.  
This has been going on for a while now. This dance they do and pretend not to be aware of. Something is different today. Buck catching Eddie half dressed in the locker room isn’t a rare occurrence. Buck’s focus lingering on the not dressed parts of Eddie isn’t all that new either. But Buck not shying away when Eddie catches him doing it, that is definitely new.

And the guilt Eddie felt for being a tease there, slips down a notch. It doesn’t vanish. This is neither the right time nor the right place for these kinds of games.

Still, he raises a single eyebrow, keeps on looking at Back through the mirror and asks:

“What?”

“What?” 

“What did ya say just there?”

There’s a light blush spreading over Buck’s skin, not all that noticeable and if Eddie was nice he’d probably attribute it to the lingering heat of his shower. But Eddie knows it’s not that and can’t help the small satisfied smile from breaking free. He outright laughs when Buck catches it and huffs, not really annoyed and more for show but still there. 

“Great. Laugh it up, Diaz. See, if you get any brownies tonight.”

“Maybe I’m more for protein tonight?”

And wow. Eddie can feel his eyes go wide. He hadn’t planned for this. Not at all. That’s not what they do. They flirt but in a way that can be taken as harmless, even meaningless if need be. They don’t… He doesn’t do this: This blatantly obvious come on. Eddie doesn’t really know what to do now, how to go on. And judging from the way Buck chokes a little, throws his hands up and just turns on his heel, he doesn’t know either.

“I really don’t deserve this,” is said loud and clear this time. The huff is still present but somehow Eddie can hear hope in there as well. He still feels little guilty for doing this here and now, with them not having a chance to really clear the air.

“But you are still coming over tonight. Just so we are clear, Eddie.”

It’s shouted from the other end of the locker room, Buck clearly on his way out. Eddie wonders what Buck was looking for in the showers but decides not to dwell on it. He’s grinning at his reflection in the mirror and shouts back:

“Bet on it.”

+++

“I don’t deserve this,” Eddie complains. Heaves a sigh against the weight on top of him, wriggles a little when fingers dig into his sides. This is retribution and he knows it. 

“Oh you do. You really do. You almost killed me twice earlier,” Buck says all smug and righteous from where he is propped up on Eddie’s chest. Smile firmly in place but eyes sparkling with a joy and warmth Eddie has missed seeing for quite some time.

“How so?” 

Eddie lets his hand wander up and down Buck’s back, enjoying the feel of warm skin under his fingertips. It should be a little gross with how sweaty they are and all but he likes it for some reason. He’s already looking forward to the shower later.

“Well, your astounding physique made me run into the doorframe. Could have ended real badly. Then your very naughty words had me choking. There is no excuse, Eddie. You deserve the tickles,” Buck says with a laugh and sets to dig his fingers back into Eddie’s sides.

Eddie is prepared, though. He grins, wraps his legs around Buck’s waist, grabs his wrists and has them flipped in a matter of seconds. Buck’s surprised shout and laughter is the cherry on top. Eyes crinkled, shining with happiness, smile so wide Eddie can’t help but return it - this look of Buck has him pausing, halting all movement just to be able to to take it all in.

“I don’t deserve this.” He finally says, reverent almost awestruck. Because he has Buck here with him, like this.

“But you do. We both do.”

And Buck is right. They do.

Eddie surges down into a kiss that has been waiting for him for so long that it feels like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine again.  
> <3


End file.
